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The Burden of Shame

by maharanifaleiro | Dec 11, 2024 | Being Human, Emotional Intelligence, Parenting

Maharani Faleiro

Joy-focused mentorship,
companionship & learning for
transformation and transitions

The Unbearable Burden of Shame Starts Young

The unbearable sensation of shame starts young ~ 15 months however the capacity to feel guilt or remorse emerges between 3 – 6 years of age. [1]

This is a really long time to carry the heavy burden of shame and not be able to do anything about it. And so, it becomes wired into our being, and we carry it forward into adulthood and pass it on to the next generation.

The seeds of shame gets planted in young hearts-bodies-minds by the well-intentioned family and society in an attempt to raise ethical and moral members of society.

But instead it cultivates such unbearable pain, we will do anything to avoid it because at that tender age we do not have the emotional intelligence to navigate these strong feelings of unworthy, unlovable, unacceptable.

So children learn to [2]
– attack or strike out in defense
– seek power or perfection
– blame
– be self-sacrificial
– withdraw

All of which offers temporary relief but, in fact, it PREVENTS us from being able to cultivate empathy, take responsibility for our actions, and make amends for hurtful, thoughtless, harmful actions

disstressed young boy looking through wooden railings

What can we do as parents? [3]
“When parents make a conscious choice to avoid tactics that induce shame, guilt and hurt, punishment … and instead search for positive alternatives, they can guide children into a direction of confidence and capability.

Not only that, choosing positive and real-life alternatives to addressing problems, parents are modeling and teaching skills that lead to proper adjustment later in life.”

What can we do as individuals? [2]
“Our ideas about guilt and shame (what is right and wrong) come from social situations — education, family, work, etc. As a result, it is important that educators, parents, friends, and family work to make sure that those around them (particularly children) have a sense of self-worth.

By showing people empathy and caring, we indicate that doing something wrong does not necessarily reflect on the person as a whole.

By differentiating between the action and the actor, we can help prevent shame and its negative connotations, while still encouraging a healthy sense of right, wrong, and guilt when necessary.”

man looking down holding his hand up in front of his face

[1]
– https://www.nicabm.com/guilt-vs-shame/
– https://psychologytreasures.com/parenting/navigating-autonomy-vs-shame-and-doubt-in-kids-erikson-parental-roles-tips/

[2] https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/guilt_shame

[3] http://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/shame-does…/

20 Sept 2021

A collage of quotes and images. Top left: quote by Brené Brown: Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love. Top right: definitions. GUILT: Feeling bad about your behaviour. SHAME: Feeling bad about yourself. Middle Right: “Honest talk: the unbearable burden of shame.” Bottom Right: An image with two silhouettes. In the foreground is the head of a young child bowed down in shame. The words shrink, withdraw, hide, disappear are written within the silhouette. Written on the body in the background are disgraceful, disgusting, rotten, unworthy, useless.